i dont know how to show affection.. and yet im slowly fading away..

i realize some things, that happened lately.. i know i distance myself from everyone and everybody. but i can't help it. it's not that i don't want to keep communicating in this world that revolves around me but i just don't know what to communicate with them about. or how to talk to them. i'm so lost in my own world that i can't even make time to listen to everyone else. i realize now how much moree loveeee im needed in my family. we're not fully broken but we're trying to mend and bond what we have left. i can understand why everyone around me always think different from me. i dont expect everyone to see it my way.. but i hopee they truly love me as they say they do and understand that im not avoiding no one. i just feel that i want to be part of my famiy. i realize most likely eeveryone been telling me face to face how come i don't show no emotions toward them why am i so cold toward them. i wished they see what i'm feeling. if they would they would understand it's not coldness im showing them.. and my emotion is strongerrrr toward them that i don't have to show it to them to make them feel that i cared. but most likely they dont understand it.. i dont expect them too. i haven't contact alot of people not because i'm isolating myself. it's because i realize that i really have to give happiness to the ones that deserve it moreeee. i can't satisfied myself and watch someone around me fall and get hurt. my mind is fully blank.. i dont think at all. i just write with what i feel. what im comfortable of showing.. rain once ask me.. when i was driving am i ok? is there something bothering me.. i almost hit the curb.. funny thing is i wasent thinking at all. my head was nothing but emptyness. i.. i just spaced and zoned out that i didnt realize.. i dont know.. when someone have been through enough becomes instanly heartless and dont have feelings or thoughts as all. i dont know if it's normal or healthy.. its just me.. i can pretend to be someone else and act as nothing happen..and play a role in this world as a person who doesnt care at all. but as a person as being myself. i show myself as person as me.. i apologize for pushing myself away from everyone.. but right now.. everyone has thier own problems to deal with. their own life to settle down.. but deep down inside.. i will always will have them in my heart.. i just hope one day they understand it..


"the brick of wall that was build was once broken. because there was a weakness that was discovered. but now this same wall is slowly building higher and stronger. it is impossiable for those who once broken it will cross it again the same.. now this wall will stand tall. tall enough for only thosee who choose to stand around and wonder how.. and for those who gives up to just walk away and leave that wall alone.."-thaowee.

i dont expect anyone to understand the randomness thought of mine. i write what i feel like writing. it make sense to me..